Sunday, May 9, 2010

Fuck You, Caesar Salad

Where do you get off?  Seriously.  Where do YOU get off?

The last time I checked, any salad that parades itself around with bacon and a hard-boiled egg is a COBB SALAD.  Are you confused, Cobb Salad?  Why are you calling yourself Caesar?  Did you have salad gender reassignment surgery and are now changing your name to match your new personality?  Maybe you are like the drag queen of the salad world – deep down you are Caesar, but on the outside you appear to be a Cobb?

Or is it vice-versa?  I just can’t tell.

Caesar Salad was invented in North America – not in Australia.  So, if you‘re going to serve it here, Aussies, you ought to do it the proper way - the North American way - the way god and creator Caesar Cardini intended it.  There should not be bacon in my Caesar Salad, nor should there be ginormous chunks of hard-boiled egg.  It's just uncouth.

All of the menus here in Australia clearly say “Caesar Salad”, but then my plate comes and my salad says to me: “HAHAHA!  I’m really a Cobb Salad!  Fuck you – you can’t eat me!  HAHAHAHA!” undoubtedly in some sort of French type accent because that’s the worst and it just adds insult to injury.

Ok, maybe not a French accent – that’s mean to the French.  Maybe a Quebecois accent.  Because when the French can’t stand a French-speaking accent, you know it’s the accent of evil.

And the “Caesar Salads” here in Australia speak with that accent.

And they are evil.


  1. Q: What do you call a Chicken that has lettuce in its eyes?
    A: Chicken Sees-a-Salad