Sunday, July 4, 2010

Please Stop

"Please Stop" is the final installment of a three part series: "Dear America."  My next post will be completely different.  You got a problem with that?

Dear America,

First of all:  Happy Birthday.  Second of all:  Stop.  Just stop.  You are ruining the children of the world.  Don’t you know that what you’re doing is wrong?  Hasn’t anyone told you?  I’m sure someone has mentioned it.  At the very least Canada must’ve whispered something in your ear at some point.

I was recently on a bus one afternoon here in Australia, when some school children boarded.  These children were in the 6 to 8 years old range – all dressed up in their school uniforms.  Did you know that school uniforms are mandatory here?  And better yet, rich schools have fancy uniforms and poor schools have cheap uniforms that you can buy at Kmart.  That way you can tell the upper class little shits from the lower class little shits.

I digress.  There was nothing out of the ordinary about these schoolchildren, that is, until they started to sing.  First of all, I hate children, especially those that sing on public buses.  But to make matters worse, do you know what these six year olds were singing?!?!?

Tik Tok by Kesha.

I’m not even kidding you.  They were singing Tik Tok by Kesha.  Oh wait – sorry – it’s Ke$ha.  My bad.

Where does a 6 year old get off singing Ke$ha?  Does this 6 year old even understand what it means to wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy?  I haven’t had too much interaction with Aussie parents, but I can’t imagine they would let their kids do the things that P Diddy does.  Hell, I don’t even know what P Diddy does, but judging from the music video where Ke$ha wakes up in the bathtub in the morning and then proceeds to go out and get smashed again, I imagine it’s pretty awful.

There’s only one place we can lay the blame for this one:  America.  That’s right – America.  You bastards created that little skank and then brainwashed little Aussie schoolchildren into thinking that she’s hot shit.  You are having a horrendous effect on the youth of the world and you need to take responsibility.  Just like BP is taking responsibility for that giant oil spill in the Gulf, you need to pony up and help fix this problem.

Wait.  BP.  Oh shit.

It’s not that I like the youth of the world or anything – I believe everyone knows my views on procreation and children.  But come on.  If these kids are the future, then please just kill me now.


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