Ode To My VPN

I’m normally not much of a poet

But I feel inspired, don’t you know it

To write an ode to something

That has proved to be quite the blessing

I finally caved in a few months ago

And dropped $75 on something intangible

Virtual Private Network – VPN for short

Has proved to be my splendidly fantastic new cohort

When you leave the US, sometimes you can’t see

All of the fabulous shows on American TV

There are patents and copyrights and even trademarks

That render completely useless all your browser’s bookmarks

For those who don’t know exactly what a VPN does

It basically restores an expat’s internet buzz

Not only in China to get Googled and Facebooked

It works in Oz too so I can stay hooked

On all of my shows and favourite news sites

Which sadly won’t let me view them day or night

The VPN connects you to a server overseas

To trick your computer quicker than a sneeze

One minute all content is blocked, the next it’s available

This VPN I purchased is truly a marvel

My IP address shows different but of course I’m still in Sydney

Though my computer thinks it’s in Dallas or Miami or Philly

Today, Honolulu or tomorrow, Nebraska

I can connect to any server I want, even one in Alaska

“This video is not available in your region” Ugh! That’s so annoying

With the push of a button, it’s suddenly going

The error is gone and my video displayed

And I can watch as many times as I want in any given day

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart – gosh he’s so fine

I couldn’t watch him before but today he’s all mine

Don’t forget Glee and my favourite South Park

No longer for these shows is my viewing in the dark

I can watch them from my computer on normal websites

And not some bootleg virus-ridden one which might cause a plight

The Onion once limited content for those in other countries

But now they have no idea that I’m overseas

Articles and videos which all make me laugh

Are back at my fingertips without any gaffe

All the major networks only work in the States

The same goes for Hulu – I’m in dire straits!

But now I can watch them all when I want

And that stupid error message can no longer taunt

Clips from the Oscars and Grammys are my rewards

And now I can even watch the Country Music Awards

Don’t forget shopping – if you do it’s a sin

Now I can get the same prices as my American kin

You have to be local to buy music on Amazon.com

But in Australia it’s so much more for the same damn song

So turn on the network and let’s do some shopping

The savings I find online are just whopping

Macklemore’s album was 17 dollars on iTunes

Only 4 dollars on Amazon – it’s a savings monsoon!

Lonely Planet directs you to your country’s local online store

But at American prices I can totally buy more

I turn on the network and the website just changes

The little flag at the top suddenly rearranges

All of the prices are now in USD

And they’re cheaper than Australia and that brings me glee

Last but not least I must tell you a story

About a horrible week when I finally found glory

I was ordering some chocolate from my favourite company

Theo of course, and I was ordering plenty

To ship to my sister who’s coming to visit

With a big carry-on bag full of my chocolate

The website said no, the bank has declined

But I called up Chase and they said it was fine

I tried and I tried but it just wouldn’t work

I was pulling out hair, I was going berserk

I used a US address and my US credit card

And I just couldn’t figure out why this was so hard

When a little light bulb went on in my head

I tried turning on my VPN instead

I then hit submit and the order went through

I smiled and I cheered and was no longer blue

All of it was thanks to my trusty VPN

It’s saved me frustration again and again

It may be a bit slower than normal internet

But it brings me Jon Stewart, so I’m not upset

For a few minutes it sometimes needs to buffer

But life without it would certainly be tougher

So if you are an expat and you hem and you haw

About dropping some money to skirt copyright laws

Just take my advice, I’ve been there before

It’s totally worth it – I’d even pay more

To get these sites and all of this content

When you think about it, it’s a drop in the bucket

Sign up today, you surely won’t regret it

And then thank me later with the gift of Theo Chocolate