Dear Corona Marketing Department

Dear Corona Marketing Department,

I write this letter to you in regards to your current advertising campaign that has blanketed our fair city.  “From Where You’d Rather Be” is the theme, and the advertisements on billboards and bus shelters feature one or more bottles of your beer on some sort of beach-type setting.  The scene almost always also includes young, attractive men and women who appear to be really enjoying life.  This implies that by drinking a Corona you will instantly be transported to a tropical beach full of hot, young people.  The marketing idea is indeed clever.

For the United States and Canada, undoubtedly your largest target markets, these billboards must do wonders to drum up business.  I get the image of a man slowly sliding down an ice-covered hill somewhere in Minnesota, struggling to stop on the slippery ice, finally coming to a halt at the bottom just before he’s thrust into traffic which wouldn’t be able to stop for him due to the slick conditions.  Then, as he lets out a big sigh of relief, he looks up to see the massive billboard just across the road – the one with the beach scene and flip-flops and attractive 20-somethings and sunglasses and, of course, a bottle of Corona, with the words “From Where You’d Rather Be” in the top corner.  And he thinks to himself “Fuck yes.  I’d rather be there.”  And he goes to the liquor store, buys a six pack of Corona, heads home, puts on some tacky Hawaiian shirt or something, and sits in front of his fireplace quietly thawing out while he enjoys a refreshing beer.

Genius marketing.

Now, the marketing campaign seems like the best thing since sliced bread and your advertisements surely also blanket North America during the cold winter months of December, January, and February.  The person in charge of distribution must think to him or herself “This is working so well in Massachusetts and Montana and Manitoba that surely all I have to do is check a little box or hit forward or something on my computer and this campaign will go global and I’ll be praised by my managers!”  And once that little box is checked, suddenly Australia is also blanketed with the “From Where You’d Rather Be” advertisements.  All good, right?

Wrong.

Do you understand that you are putting up billboards here in Australia during December, January, and February?  And that Australia is quite the opposite of the United States and Canada when it comes to seasons?  While it dumps down snow on Milwaukee and Kansas City and Fargo and all those other frigid places in North America, it’s hot as fuck here in Australia.  It’s summer.  Assuming that the place you suggest in the “From Where You’d Rather Be” ads is Mexico – because that is where Corona comes from – then I must say with all confidence that not a single Australian would rather be there.  It’s winter in Mexico, and while I’m sure Mexican winter isn’t all that noticeable, why would anyone leave summer in Sydney for winter in Mexico?  Also, Mexico has crime.  Lots of it.  And kidnapping.  Number 1 in the world in fact.  And dysentery.  A quick way to ruin expensive Australian underwear.  Why would any Australian go there during this time of year?

Allow me to present to you, esteemed members of the Corona marketing team, two scenarios for your consideration.  Scenario 1: You can spend thousands of dollars on airfare and accommodation to travel to Mexico just to get robbed, beaten, kidnapped, and left for dead in a kiddie pool full of your own uncontrollable diarrhea, or Scenario 2:  Spend $3 to take the bus down the road to Bondi with your beach towel and sunglasses and board shorts and flip flops and have little to no chance of getting robbed, beaten, kidnapped, or shitting yourself?  Which one better resembles that scene on your advertisement?  I’ll let you ponder for a minute.

Are you ready with your answers?

I thought so.  Maybe you should bring back these ads in June, July, and August, when beach season is over in Australia and people may actually be inspired to drink Corona based on that sort of advertising.  Or maybe you can pay a few local Australian advertising professionals to come up with some concepts that actually suit the Australian market?  Just a thought.  Until then, I’ll drink one of those European or Japanese or New Zealand beers that have pictures of frozen mountain scenes on the bottle – you know, the ones that are made from glacial water or some shit like that.  Surely those beers must be colder – I mean, they come from a fucking glacier – and when it’s 115 degrees outside and my ass skin, shorts, and the bar stool have all melded together and I’m stuck to my seat, I think I’d rather have a cold, crisp beer than one that’s been out in the sun on some Mexican beach all day.

Yours truly,

Confused Customer

p.s.   Your sign is broken.  In more ways than one.