I'd Like To Buy A Zee, Please

On December 14, 2012, Pat Sajak and Vanna White will guest host the Australian version of Wheel of Fortune.  Here is an excerpt from the transcript of that show, which I was able to obtain by traveling to the future:

Pat Sajak:  Ok, Paula from Adelaide, please pick a consonant.

Paula from Adelaide:  I’d like a zed, Pat!

Pat Sajak:  I’m sorry, what letter was that again?

Paula from Adelaide:  A zed, Pat.

Pat Sajak:  Are you saying zed?  What’s zed?

Paula from Adelaide:  You know, zed – the last letter of the alphabet.

Pat Sajak:  You mean zee?

Paula from Adelaide:  ::flustered:: No – zed!  You know… X, Y, Zed!

Pat Sajak:  Right. Well, ok, I’m going to assume you mean zee, and in that case there is one zee on the board.  Vanna…

Vanna White: ::tries to tap the letter zee to come up::

Pat Sajak:  Is there a problem, Vanna?

Vanna White:  It’s not coming up…

Pat Sajak:  Just press the zee a little bit harder…

Vanna White:  It’s really not coming up!  It won’t work!

Pat Sajak:  The fucking word is “organization” – there’s obviously a zee.  Just press the fucking screen a little bit harder, bitch!  You get paid millions of dollars to tap little TV screens with letters on them!  Any blind monkey could be trained to do it properly.  Just do it!!!!

Vanna White:  ::sobbing::

Ok, so Pat and Vanna won’t be guest hosting the Australian version of Wheel of Fortune, mainly because the Australian version was axed in 2008.  But if they did, it likely wouldn’t be quite so dramatic.  And I assume TV producers would brief them beforehand and spare Vanna of Pat’s violent streak, but there’s only so much a man can take before he snaps.  There are some major spelling and pronunciation issues in this country.  Allow me to elaborate.

First of all, the letter “zee” is pronounced “zed”.  Seriously – it’s “zed”.  Aren’t there rednecks in trailers in rural Mississippi named “Zed”?  That should not be a letter.  Also, “H” – I guess spelled “eych” maybe? – is pronounced like “heych” here – like “hey” but with a “ch” sound on the end.  WTF?

But wait there’s more!

Everyone knows about the magical “U” – in colour, harbour, favourite, neighbour, bulldouzer, phoutougraph.  Ok, maybe not the last two.  I don’t mind the “U” so much, especially after these next two discoveries:  Did you know that “C” is really “S”????  Like in the word “defense”.  Defense - a simple word, but spelled differently in Australia.  It’s “defence” here.  With a “C”.  Oh, and tires – you know – those rubber things on the wheels of your car?  That’s spelled tyre.  With a “Y”.  But the verb “tire” is still with an “I”.  Oi vey.

But here’s the kicker:  the government of Australia has bribed “English” teachers across this great continent to engage in an active campaign against the letter “Z” – you know – zee – or zed – whatever you want to call it.  There is no “-ize” in Australia, nor can you find “-izes”, “-ized”, on “-ization”.  It’s all “-ise” or variants thereof.  No “Z”.  Organisation.  Capitalised.  Realise.  Monetise.

ALERT:  No.  That’s wrong.  “Organization” is not pronounced like “sensation”.  There’s a “Z” there for a reason.  It makes it sound a little bit different.  Learn to use it, kangaroos.  I’m using a “Z” to pluralize words until the government of Australia comes forward and advises the public of this grave error.  I’ll be using words like:  Frogz.  Citiez.  Beanz.  Photoz.  Bitchez.  Pizzaz.  Or maybe not Pizzaz.  That just looks like pizzazz spelled wrong.  Or is it really spelled pizazz? Oh lord that's a tough one.  Whatever, it doesn't matter here.  My point is that apparently “Z” and “S” are interchangeable.

This is going to have some serious implications for my Boggle and Scrabble abilities.  Crap.