For those of you that know me well, and those of you that
barely know me, and those of you that don’t know me but have ever read any of
my blogs, or those of you that don’t even know where that sound was coming from
but happened to be within three kilometres of me while I was at a Mexican
restaurant… you know that I love Mexican food.
I’ve eaten Mexican food in 27 different countries on all six inhabited
continents. Yes, I had Mexican food in
Mexico a LONG time ago, but I was young and scared of the third world so I
think I played it very safe. But now –
as an adult that knows how to avoid food poisoning (usually) – I was excited to
touchdown in Mexico City (CDMX) and start eating my way through the largest
city in the Americas.
And that’s just what I did.
I ate. I
blushed. I took another bite. I felt warm.
I licked the spoon. Fuck this is
hot. Just one more nibble as I scrape
the plate. I can’t handle any more! Tres leches is coming? Oh!!!!!!
A few highlights of things I put in my mouth in Mexico City:
Enchiladas:
Picture it: a warm
plate. Two long, hot enchiladas. Covered in sultry sauce. Mouth-watering. Maybe I should unbutton my top button to send
the signal that I’m going to make my move.
Then I fork those enchiladas.
Ooooooooo. Delicious.
My favourite enchiladas of the trip were at a restaurant
called Cabrera 7. They were chicken mole
enchiladas with almonds. They were so
hot. 11 out of 10. I get all hot and bothered just thinking
about them. I also had enchiladas verdes
and vegetarian mole enchiladas. I need
to go take a cold shower.
Tacos:
A long, tall, fully erect cactus stands all hot in the
desert. Shortly thereafter, it’s on my
plate in the form of a chicken and cactus taco covered in creamy, creamy
cheese. This is the plot of the food
porn film that I’m making. I’ve been
inspired.
I cheated on the cactus and also had a fourgy with tacos of
zucchini with corn, poblano pepper with cream, and chicken a la talla. And because I’m a high class ho, I
ever-so-sensually put a duck mole taco into my mouth. Duck.
Mole. Duck. Mole.
It’s so fancy. It’s like having
sex on the balcony of the penthouse suite of a six-star hotel. Quick – give me some ice!
Other:
Tamales. Oh
tamales! My favourite was the tamal
oaxaqueno – a chicken mole tamal that’s a specialty of Oaxaca. And Americans: did you know that it’s not a tamale. It’s a tamal. Tamales is plural and Americans just chopped
off the “S” as if it was English. I
learned something new. Smart is sexy.
What’s hotter than Anderson Cooper laying naked on top of a
bear-skin rug and a big pile of money? A
hot, steamy bowl of tortilla soup. He
may be a silver fox, but he’s got nothing on what’s in the bowl.
And what has my trip been missing? I’ve been so focused on the Mexicans that I
forgot about other cultures. Some hot
interracial action is in order.
Sushiroll is a chain of Mexican-inspired sushi restaurants. After some sake sangria, my sushi rolls
arrived. One set of rolls with manchego cheese. The other with spicy chipotle sauce. It was too hot to handle. It was Mexican-Phill-Japanese action and it
was definitely rated X.
Drinks:
Every hot, throbbing meal needs a glass of liquid sex to
cool it down a bit. And I made sure
drinks were on order. Tequila
drinks. Mezcal drinks (it’s like
tequila). Pulque. And Micheladas – beer with lemon and salt on
the rim. Rim. It’s like a margarita. But with beer. And it gets me excited!
Desserts:
If you haven’t climaxed yet, then this is sure to take you
home. So just remember: this is not safe for work.
Arroz con leche. It’s
Mexican rice pudding. It belongs in my
mouth. Always. Then there’s tres leches – aka “three
milks”. It’s a sponge cake with three
different types of cream in it. But they
should change the name to “cuatro leches” – aka “four milks” – because when I
eat it there’s a fourth cream produced. Oh
baby! And then there’s churros. Long, strong churros. Filled with chocolate, oozing out of the
tip. You have to suck a little before
eating it to avoid it dripping everywhere and making a mess. I hate when the ooze gets all over me. I want it all in my mouth.
And I have to give massive kudos to Mexico because they knew
I was coming and they prepared macarons just for me. I filled my tight little box with six
flavours: Palomitas Caramelizadas y
Cardamomo, Naranja y Mezcal con Sal de Gusano, Horchata y Vainilla, Chocolate
Mexicano, Pan de Elote, and Gloria.
Translated from Spanish to English:
caramelized popcorn and cardamom, orange and mezcal with worm salt,
horchata and vanilla, Mexican chocolate, corn bread, and caramel. Translated from English to Phill: foreplay, moaning, heavy petting, sex,
climax, and afterglow.
Was that as good for you as it was for me? No?
Well maybe you should go to Mexico City…
I don’t have any selfies of me with food in Mexico City,
mainly because my hands were… covered in taco sauce.
Yeah. Taco
sauce. That’s right.
To see more pornographic photos of food in Mexico City,
follow this link:
Ridiculous!
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