Shanghai

Final stop on tour:  Shanghai!  First stop:  a Chinese acrobats show!  How many Chinese girls can you fit on a bicycle?  I think the answer was 8:

But I’m not entirely sure.  It’s a bit difficult to count.  Here’s an easier one:  how many Chinese idiots on motorcycles can you fit into the “Ball of Death”?  Easy:  5!

If one crashes, they’re all dead, but that’s ok.  This is China.  There are 1.4 billion more, right?  I myself will steer clear of the “Ball of Death”… or the anything “of Death” for that matter.

Shanghai was the most western of the cities we visited in China, but there were still touches of the real China all around.  In the morning, locals do Tai Chi and some random dances in the streets:

The Shanghai Museum gave a great cultural history of China.  Featured were jade, pottery, garments, calligraphy, furniture, sculpture, and of course, the scariest water pitcher ever:

Creepy.

There was a bit of time for shopping!  Just like in Beijing, markets were all around in Shanghai.  While the salesladies weren’t as aggressive in Shanghai as they were a few days earlier in Beijing, I still got grabbed by one of the shop owners.  She refused to let go of my arm so I had to forcefully rip it free and hop on an escalator to get the hell away from her.  She cried.  And after that whole ordeal, I took a small amount of pleasure in her tears.  Don’t try to rip me off, bitch.

There was a whole section of one of the markets devoted to pearls.  They aren’t natural pearls, but rather cultured ones.  So they are real, but they are given a helping hand by humans.  Here is a much friendlier pearl store owner making a necklace:

After the tour ended, I spent a few extra days in Shanghai with my friends, Ross & Jonathon.  The Shanghai Boys, as I refer to them, are friends of mine from Sydney who moved to Shanghai nearly a year ago and were the inspiration for my trip.  I got to do a bit more sightseeing in those few extra days, and a few of the things I saw were pretty interesting.  One of them – off the beaten path – was the Shanghai Propaganda Poster Art Center. 

Inside, there were a few rooms filled with propaganda posters, mostly from the Cold War period.  There were a ton of anti-American posters and even more pro-Communist and pro-Soviet posters.  One in particular caught my attention:  a poster of a muscular Chinese man holding hands with a muscular Russian man.  The poster was illustrating the friendship between China and the USSR.  To me:  it just looked really gay.  So I bought a copy.

On a different note, I was also able to check out the Shanghai Jewish Refugees Museum.

Shanghai was one of the only places in the world to not limit Jewish immigration in the years leading up to World War II.  So, roughly 30,000 Jews escaped Europe and made new homes in Shanghai.  Today, all of the Jews have left for western countries, but their synagogue remains and has been converted into a museum.  The museum featured an art gallery, a timeline of events, and several personal stories of select Shanghai Jews.  I had no prior knowledge of Shanghai Jews, so I found it all quite fascinating.

Back on the metro… I wasn’t alone.  I think 1.2 billion of China’s 1.4 billion must be on Shanghai’s subway system at any given time.  Ross informed me that this was actually quite empty:

Stop pushing me!  Ugh!  I strolled around The Bund – a waterfront section of Shanghai full of old European buildings:

Across the river sits the Pudong New Area.  Formerly farmland and countryside, the Pudong New Area was declared a Special Economic Zone in 1993. From there, construction took off, people moved in, and buildings went up… and up… and up.  In less than twenty years, what used to be nothing has turned into this:

Pretty crazy.  More to follow on that two blogs from now.  I dipped over to the Pudong New Area via the subway.  I was looking for the China Sex Culture Museum which was sadly kept hidden from my view.  Instead, I hopped down into the Bund Tourist Tunnel to take me back under the river to the main part of Shanghai.  There wasn’t a very good description in English of what the hell was going on, but I later found out that the tunnel takes you on a journey from the centre of the Earth to outer space (or vice versa depending on which way you are traveling).  I’m always game for a little tacky touristy, but this…

This was tacky beyond belief.  I paid how much for that?

The Award for Best Chinglish

We interrupt these touristy blog posts to present… The Award for Best Chinglish!

The internet is littered with hilarious examples of the English language gone awry overseas – mainly in Asian countries.  With respect to China, this phenomenon is called “Chinglish”.  Per Wikipedia, “Chinglish is commonly applied to ungrammatical or nonsensical English in Chinese contexts”.  We were told that this stems from the Chinese simply entering Chinese language into an online translation engine and putting down the first thing that pops out – not taking into account some basic grammar, vocabulary, and other differences between the two languages that online engines just aren’t sophisticated enough to pick up and which completely throw the translation out of whack.

As an avid checker of the Chinglish-filled website engrishfunny.failblog.org, I was super stoked to get a first hand look at some of the Chinglish in China.  And what I found was… ungrammatical, nonsensical, and not at all disappointing!  I’ve collected some of the best Chinglish from the trip and included them here for your viewing pleasure.  So, which one wins the Award for Best Chinglish?  I’ll let you decide… and remember:  you can click the pictures to open them up actual size.

When I think of the Great Wall of China, I always think of two things:

1.  Civilized Sightseeing

2.  Safe driving

Personally, I prefer my sightseeing to be uncivilized.  And driving unsafely only adds to the thrill if you ask me.

Beijing was fairly void of Chinglish thanks to a major dechinglishization prior to the Olympics.  But we did pass by this:

Glory mall

And all of the straight people reading this have no idea why this is funny, but that’s fine as long as all the gays (and fag hags) have a snicker.

So, Beijing was disappointing, but once we hit Xi’an, the Chinglish came at us from right and left.  Our hotel was a Chinglish gold mine – just one find after another!

Warm notice

The drinking water needs to heat by the cold water then drinks.

What?

Warm notice

“Careful skid prevention” In order to assure your safety, please draw in the bath curtain when you shower and use the skid resistant turban or skid resistant pad, thanks!

So, moral of the story, ask one of your Middle Eastern friends if you can borrow their turban when you shower, but make sure they have one of those fancy skid resistant turbans!  If not, ask your girlfriend if you can borrow her pad.  Again, inquire about its skid resistance.

Warm notice:

In order to raise the elevator operating efficiency, asks you to choose the pressed key reasonably, thanks!

First of all, I always choose the pressed key reasonably.  Second of all, who is asking me?  Third of all, why are all of the notices warm???  Oh yes… warm = warning!

And then, after choosing the pressed key reasonably – very reasonably – you enter the elevator to find pictures of a bunch of Chinese people (as you would in China) with the following caption beneath:

They are the best waiter in the Guanzhong Hotel. Did you see them before? Are you really happy with theirs service? You could recommend the housekeeping whom you satisfied to us. And also you could fill in opinion book with your opinion and the suggestion. So that we could improve unceasingly. Thanks for monitoring.

Firstly, they aren’t waiters – they are housekeeping staff.  Secondly, while their service was fine, I guarantee that I did not satisfy them as your text is suggesting.  And looking at the pictures of those employees, I can guarantee that I never would satisfy them.  Ever.  But I’ll keep “monitoring” just in case you ever hire a hot one.

Next up:  Hangzhou!  And once again our hotel was full of Chinglish!  This hotel was a strange hotel, however, as it did not have any actual hotel rooms or guest rooms.

(SECURITY SCATTERING SKETCH MAP)

DECLARATION

- Please don’t panic if a fire is occurring. The advanced dispersing facilities of the fire control system will help you transfer safely.

- Please follow the green direction route to the safety corridors and there safeguards will take you out to the safety region.  The red solid line is the best circuit.

- The red point shows your excellency seat.

That’s right:  no hotel rooms, no guest rooms, no rooms of any sort really.  Just excellency seats!  I’ve always wanted an excellency seat!  Yippee!  Unfortunately, it does not appear that my excellency seat is in the safety region.  Crap.  Well, at least they have those advanced dispersing facilities…

What the hell was I just talking about?  Anyway.  Moving on.

Dear Guest:

When you ente into the washroom. Please take care of the ground if you have a bath. Please use a shower mats or vobe.

Because the ground is fragile and it really needs you to take care of it.  But if you’re not having a bath, you don’t have to take care of the ground.  In fact, if you’re not bathing, you can tell the ground to go fuck itself and that’d be fine.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to head to Bed Bath & Beyond.  I’m in dire need of a new vobe.  I hope they have some in stock!

Chinese restaurant

Because, you know, in the small canal town of Wuzhen, I was totally expecting to find a Mexican restaurant.  I’m so glad they clarified.

Now, despite being a cosmopolitan city with many expats from the western world, Shanghai had its fair share of Chinglish too – more than you would expect.  And once again, it was our hotel that was the main culprit.

Joy diffuses the magnificent hall and fragrance swims across chrysanthemun hall, where dclicious daintics, tender feeling, drink to your heart’s content and family ger-together are satisfied fully.

I honestly have not a clue.

Luxurious suite: You may enjoy unusual metropolitan feelings of relaxation and sketch utmost sentiment in the comfortable and elegant suite full of tender feelings and equipped well and arranged reasonably.

Meeting room: It is equipped well and provided with complete functions, where information or messages may be sent or received freely and conveniently, and unlimited business opportunities are revenled to the tullest.

Deluxe double room: You may nourish your spirit and store up vigor for getaway in the next day or several friends have a chat and chat and enjoy romantic fancy by the light of a candle in simple & bright, silent & fragrant room.

Now, I’m usually a sucker for unusual metropolitan feelings and you know that I love a hotel room full of tender feelings – especially if that room is arranged reasonably – but I may have to go with the deluxe double room this time around.  The romantic fancy is just too good to pass up!

And after that romantic fancy, if you have any… remnants… to dispose of, well, I know just where you can stick them:

LITTER CUM RECYCLABLE COLLECTION BIN

Two quick questions:  why do you consider it litter and why on earth are you collecting it for recycling???

(Ok, yes.  I understand what this actually means.  But they really ought to have someone less than 35 years of age checking these things.  Do you not understand why this is funny?  If you don't get it, that means you’re likely over 35… or just a very sheltered person… or far more mature than me…)

So, back to my original question:  which one wins the Award for Best Chinglish?  Personally, I think the one with the romantic fancy was the funniest, but you’re entitled to your own opinion even if it’s wrong…  Feel free to comment.  Or not.  There’s isn’t actually an award.  It’s figurative.

Venice of the East

Just over an hour outside of Hangzhou, we stopped at the small town of Wuzhen.  The town is called a water town or a canal town and is occasionally referred to as the “Venice of the East” because of its canals and gondolas.

So yes, it’s just like Venice, except it’s smaller and polluted and Chinese.  But close enough.  The town is pretty much a tourist trap, though I must admit that souvenirs were cheap there.  The town is gated off like an amusement park.  You have to buy a ticket and go through a turnstile before you can enter.  Keep in mind people actually live in this town.  I suppose it’s a pretty clever way to boost the local economy – everybody who doesn’t live there has to pay to be there.  Nuts!  Imagine Sydney or London or New York charging an admission fee.  That might be a good way to get the US back on track!

Anyway, once you get past the strange touristy nature of it all, the town was quite scenic:

Aside from the canals, the town had some small back alleyways that needed exploring.  I wandered around with Joel and Lauren.

And there were a few treats as well.  The town is known for a few things such as teapots:

You can stand on these teapots and they won’t break.  Crazy!  And if you’re buying a teapot, you might as well buy some tea to go with it:

Notice the wooden cylinders at the bottom middle of the picture.  Those are filled with rice wine – another specialty of the little town.

I bought two different flavours.  The apricot rice wine was ok, but the three rice wine tasted like ass.  Unfortunate.

Did I mention there were cookies???  I love cookies!!!  All of these little plastic wrapped rolls contained a row of cookies:

Actually, they called them pancakes, but that’s wrong and I didn’t have the heart to correct them.  They were cookies.

I rest my case.

And of course, every small town has a small town lunch.  And I just have to say one thing about that…

Dear Susan,

You may be lazy, but we love you nonetheless.

Most sincerely,

Phill and friends

Hangzhou

Third stop:  Hangzhou!  Most westerners have never heard of Hangzhou, and indeed, I had not either despite my near-superhuman knowledge of geography.  But upon landing at the airport, I was super excited to be there… mainly because I was super excited to be off the plane.

Lucky to be flying them or lucky to be alive?  We arrived safely, but I’ll still leave that question unanswered. 

I’d also like to point out that you get frisked every time you fly in China.  Ain’t nothing like a little touchy touchy to start a trip off right!  Anyway…

Hangzhou is another large metropolitan area, with the population of the city and the surrounding region adding up to over 8 million.  The city is one of the wealthier and more educated cities in China due to its strong industry.  Our tour guide told us that most things we see abroad that are “Made in China” are probably made in Hangzhou.  Now, down to business:  food.  We were on our own for lunch, so my awesome British roommate Joel, sassy Aussie Lauren, and I popped into a famous local restaurant that has a 150+ year history.  The menu looked… terrifying.  There was a picture of a fish in a bowl on the menu.  Yep.  Just a big bowl of broth and noodles with a whole fish just lying on top of it – the two ends of the fish hanging over either end of the bowl.

Kill me now.

The “vegetarian” options clearly had some sort of seafood in them from the pictures, so I opted for the one item on the menu with the word “chicken” beside it.  It was on the picture-less side of the menu, so it was really a shot in the dark.  And survey says:

Score!  Oh yes!  Chicken and peanuts and capsicum (Aussie lingo for red bell peppers)!  And if that wasn’t enough, it came with a big bowl of chicken broth and noodles!  I love noodles!  One point for Hangzhou!

It was then that we noticed the old man at the table next to us.  His finger was so far up his nose I swear he was scratching his brain.  And then he spat.  Just right there.  Spat.  In the restaurant.  Spat.  On the floor.

Hangzhou giveth, and Hangzhou taketh away.

Then it was off to Hangzhou’s largest tourist attraction:  the beautiful West Lake.

Ok, so the lake is probably a bit more beautiful when a thick layer of smog isn’t obscuring the view, but still pretty.  The lake itself is actually quite large.  Our guide estimated it would take 5 hours to bicycle around it or 13 hours to walk.  So… we just did a little bit and then turned around.

Once again, I had the pleasure of spending the afternoon with my favourite American ladies:

And our whole group took in a water show at one of the more touristy corners of the lake.

Hangzhou isn’t big with western tourists, and it was clearly evident from the number of locals (or maybe domestic tourists) taking photos of us as we walked around the lake.  We were told that most of them don’t see westerners very often, if they’ve ever seen us at all.  There must have been dozens of people throughout the course of the afternoon taking photos of us, some semi-discreetly and others not so much.  Some of them even had the balls to ask to get in a photo with us.  Finally, I decided that something needed to be done.  The next local I saw taking a photo of me – I took one back:

Haha!  Take that!  ::evil laugh::

Xi'an

After roughly 2 days in Beijing, our group boarded an overnight train.  14 hours and 1 Ambien later, we arrived in Xi’an.  I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate myself on a successful avoidance of the “toilets” (holes in the floor) on the train.  Aside from the abominable bathroom shituation, the train was actually fairly clean and comfortable, though scaling the wall to get to the third/top bunk was a bit of a challenge.  The bunk was roughly 10 feet off the ground.  Crazy.

Xi’an is one of China’s oldest cities, and at one point in time it was the world’s largest city.  Today, the population figure of Xi’an sits well below that of Beijing or Shanghai, but at over 8 million people, it’s still pretty sizable.  Xi’an is best known for one of the largest tourist attractions in China:  the Terracotta Warriors!  After seeing a special exhibition on the warriors earlier this year at the Art Gallery of NSW, I was super stoked to check out the real thing.  The exhibition in Sydney and our awesome tour guide both gave me excellent histories of the warriors, but neither really prepared me for the sheer awesomeness of what I was about to see:

Pit 1 is the largest of the 3 main pits, and by large, I mean that the structure we were in surely could double as a hangar for a few 747s or A380s.  Built as part of a necropolis for China’s first emperor, the warriors were meant to protect the emperor in the afterlife.  It’s estimated that over 700,000 workers took part in their construction.  To keep the location of the tomb secret, many of the workers are thought to have been sealed inside and left to die upon completion.  Numbering well over 8,000 warriors along with roughly 800 horses and chariots, each sculpture is life-size and molded in great detail.  It’s an incredible feat, but all the more incredible when you consider that these statues were completed before the year 210 BC.  Insane.  Look at the detail:

And don’t forget the horses:

The mostly unexcavated Pit 2 wasn’t nearly as big as the first pit, but it’s still impressively large when you take a look at the size of the room:

Fancy Pit 3 is thought to be the command post for the Terracotta Army.  Higher ranking officers were located in this pit, which archeologists can decipher from the way their hands are adjusted, the clothes the sculptures wear, and their hairstyles.

After the warriors, we were cooked lunch at a local family’s home.  The meal was the first of a good string of absolutely delicious meal I had in China.  You can tell from the remnants on the table that we went through the food quickly.

My plans of biking on Xi’an’s city walls – some of the oldest and best preserved city walls in the world – were foiled by torrential rains that lasted all afternoon and into the evening.  So, I decided to have a completely different cultural experience…

Oh yes!  There is Wal-Mart in China!  And just like in the United States, there the prices are low, always.

Ok, so the slogan is a little off but the general idea is pretty much the same.  One thing that was completely different was the array of items you could purchase at the check-out counter.  While Wal-Marts – and indeed most similar stores in the US – place an exorbitant amount of chocolates and candies and gum next to the register, Wal-Marts in China put these at your fingertips while checking out:

Condoms.  I think this has something to do with that One Child Policy.  Super Space Pleasure anyone?  How about Super Thin & Moist Pleasure?  What does that even mean?  Is the condom itself thin or is it the you-know-what inside?  Anyway…

Moving on to a real cultural experience:  a show featuring traditional Chinese singing and dancing and instruments and such!  The show itself was a bit boring compared to the Kung Fu Show we went to in Beijing, but it was interesting nonetheless.  Here is a very brief snippet:

The best part of the show was the end, because at the end, this happened:

Two words:  DUMPLING BANQUET!!!  Yesssssss!!!!  After denying myself food in the hours leading up to the previous day’s train ride, and the delicious but small and mostly veggie, not-so-filling lunch we had, I was ravenous for a big meal.  And this totally hit the spot.  Our Lazy Susan was filled with all sorts of veggie dumplings – from the fairly standard cabbage dumplings to the strange and exotic tomato sauce and bamboo shoot dumplings.  And I got my share of protein with some chicken dumplings and some duck dumplings too!

Yummy!  There were a few dumplings left on the table, but as usual, I was the last one eating and did my best to ensure that the leftovers were kept to a minimum.  Now, the big question was…

Dessert?