The Other Shanghai

First there was Shanghai.  Then there was the other Shanghai.

I spent a few days with my Aussie friends – Ross & Jonathon – and got to sample the expat lifestyle.  It was… anything but Chinese really.  It started off in their penthouse apartment with a view like no other:

On a side note, the blue sky in this picture was taken early the morning I left.  It was the only blue sky I saw the entire time I was in China.  Notice the dark gray/brown pollution in the background.

Expats can live quite well in Shanghai, as foreign companies often pay top dollar to move employees and executives out there, and rent often isn’t as expensive as it is in western countries.  You have enough money left over to import some of the finer things in life:

Yeah, we’re not really in China, are we?

As expected, the weekend revolved around food and drink.  Our first stop was a pretentious bar full of expats.  There was a fat dude dancing in a bathtub in the middle of the bar (you read that right) and people were smoking cigarettes (they apparently still allow that there).  Also, some French Canadian dude starting talking to me in line at the bar and told me all about how he cheated on his girlfriend but felt really bad and was going to make it better.  Can I go back to the real China now?

But things got better after that.  We wandered over to the French Concession the next morning.  The French Concession is a part of Shanghai that was under French control for nearly a hundred years until right after World War II.  Note that tense of the verb:  was.  It is no longer under French control and therefore it really ought to be called the Former French Concession.  I refuse to concede anything to the French.

Anyway, point of the story:  the Former French Concession is quite trendy and full of expats and there were lots of little cafes and such so Ross and I went for brunch and I found a Chinese bagel and cream cheese!

Yay!  Except it was pretty much just a bread roll shaped like a bagel.  But that’s ok.  I still had a bagel in China.

And you know what else I had in China?

FUCK YES!!!!  All day Mexican brunch BUFFET!!!  This combines three of my favourite things in the world:  Mexican food, brunch, and buffets.  Love it!  Now, I was a bit skeptical at first.  After all, I was in China.  Not Mexico or Texas.  But it actually turned out good.  They had a full buffet of tasty food for us:

And don’t forget dessert!  Rice pudding and churros!

And of course, no Mexican meal is complete without margaritas.  They were free flow as well, so I sucked down about eight of them I think.

And that was on top of the few glasses of horchata I had!  How is it that a random Mexican restaurant in China has horchata but none of the Mexican restaurants I’ve been to in Australia do?  Shameful.

Anyway, the owner came around took a photo of us and spoke a little Spanish and proved her Mexicanness.  That explains it.  The key difference:  all of the Mexican restaurants in Australia are owned by Americans (except for the one that’s owned by some dude from Alberta – wtf?) but this random one in China was owned by a real Mexican!  That’s probably why the price was so good:  roughly $50 for all you can eat food and all you can drink margaritas and horchata!  Though they may consider raising that price after seeing the amount we consumed…

Now, it wasn’t all western food all weekend.  We had fancy Thai food one night and fancy drinks on a fancy rooftop that overlooked the river and the Pudong New Area and fancy drinks at a fancy hotel with fancy toilets that had tons of fancy buttons that would spray water from all angles at your fancy parts (hehe!) and there was the Sherpa – a fancy delivery service that delivers food from all sorts of restaurants to fancy expats in their fancy apartments (I had falafel) and of course we had to throw in one actual fancy Chinese meal so we went to a fancy westernized Yunnan restaurant in The Bund:

I say “westernized” Yunnan (a region in southern China) cuisine because the Shanghai Boys considered it westernized but it was way more authentic than P.F. Chang’s and not nearly as scary as dim sum (or yum cha as the Aussies call it) so to me it was the perfect blend.

Now, in the few spare minutes we had when we weren’t eating and drinking, we wandered around the city a bit and had the chance to snap some good daytime photos down by the river:

And we went back at night as well:

And our last bit of spare time was spent at Shanghai’s Aussie pub where they were showing the Rugby World Cup.  Look around.  Hundreds of Aussies and Kiwis watching rugby on the big screens.

Seriously – are we still in China?

Shanghai

Final stop on tour:  Shanghai!  First stop:  a Chinese acrobats show!  How many Chinese girls can you fit on a bicycle?  I think the answer was 8:

But I’m not entirely sure.  It’s a bit difficult to count.  Here’s an easier one:  how many Chinese idiots on motorcycles can you fit into the “Ball of Death”?  Easy:  5!

If one crashes, they’re all dead, but that’s ok.  This is China.  There are 1.4 billion more, right?  I myself will steer clear of the “Ball of Death”… or the anything “of Death” for that matter.

Shanghai was the most western of the cities we visited in China, but there were still touches of the real China all around.  In the morning, locals do Tai Chi and some random dances in the streets:

The Shanghai Museum gave a great cultural history of China.  Featured were jade, pottery, garments, calligraphy, furniture, sculpture, and of course, the scariest water pitcher ever:

Creepy.

There was a bit of time for shopping!  Just like in Beijing, markets were all around in Shanghai.  While the salesladies weren’t as aggressive in Shanghai as they were a few days earlier in Beijing, I still got grabbed by one of the shop owners.  She refused to let go of my arm so I had to forcefully rip it free and hop on an escalator to get the hell away from her.  She cried.  And after that whole ordeal, I took a small amount of pleasure in her tears.  Don’t try to rip me off, bitch.

There was a whole section of one of the markets devoted to pearls.  They aren’t natural pearls, but rather cultured ones.  So they are real, but they are given a helping hand by humans.  Here is a much friendlier pearl store owner making a necklace:

After the tour ended, I spent a few extra days in Shanghai with my friends, Ross & Jonathon.  The Shanghai Boys, as I refer to them, are friends of mine from Sydney who moved to Shanghai nearly a year ago and were the inspiration for my trip.  I got to do a bit more sightseeing in those few extra days, and a few of the things I saw were pretty interesting.  One of them – off the beaten path – was the Shanghai Propaganda Poster Art Center. 

Inside, there were a few rooms filled with propaganda posters, mostly from the Cold War period.  There were a ton of anti-American posters and even more pro-Communist and pro-Soviet posters.  One in particular caught my attention:  a poster of a muscular Chinese man holding hands with a muscular Russian man.  The poster was illustrating the friendship between China and the USSR.  To me:  it just looked really gay.  So I bought a copy.

On a different note, I was also able to check out the Shanghai Jewish Refugees Museum.

Shanghai was one of the only places in the world to not limit Jewish immigration in the years leading up to World War II.  So, roughly 30,000 Jews escaped Europe and made new homes in Shanghai.  Today, all of the Jews have left for western countries, but their synagogue remains and has been converted into a museum.  The museum featured an art gallery, a timeline of events, and several personal stories of select Shanghai Jews.  I had no prior knowledge of Shanghai Jews, so I found it all quite fascinating.

Back on the metro… I wasn’t alone.  I think 1.2 billion of China’s 1.4 billion must be on Shanghai’s subway system at any given time.  Ross informed me that this was actually quite empty:

Stop pushing me!  Ugh!  I strolled around The Bund – a waterfront section of Shanghai full of old European buildings:

Across the river sits the Pudong New Area.  Formerly farmland and countryside, the Pudong New Area was declared a Special Economic Zone in 1993. From there, construction took off, people moved in, and buildings went up… and up… and up.  In less than twenty years, what used to be nothing has turned into this:

Pretty crazy.  More to follow on that two blogs from now.  I dipped over to the Pudong New Area via the subway.  I was looking for the China Sex Culture Museum which was sadly kept hidden from my view.  Instead, I hopped down into the Bund Tourist Tunnel to take me back under the river to the main part of Shanghai.  There wasn’t a very good description in English of what the hell was going on, but I later found out that the tunnel takes you on a journey from the centre of the Earth to outer space (or vice versa depending on which way you are traveling).  I’m always game for a little tacky touristy, but this…

This was tacky beyond belief.  I paid how much for that?

The Award for Best Chinglish

We interrupt these touristy blog posts to present… The Award for Best Chinglish!

The internet is littered with hilarious examples of the English language gone awry overseas – mainly in Asian countries.  With respect to China, this phenomenon is called “Chinglish”.  Per Wikipedia, “Chinglish is commonly applied to ungrammatical or nonsensical English in Chinese contexts”.  We were told that this stems from the Chinese simply entering Chinese language into an online translation engine and putting down the first thing that pops out – not taking into account some basic grammar, vocabulary, and other differences between the two languages that online engines just aren’t sophisticated enough to pick up and which completely throw the translation out of whack.

As an avid checker of the Chinglish-filled website engrishfunny.failblog.org, I was super stoked to get a first hand look at some of the Chinglish in China.  And what I found was… ungrammatical, nonsensical, and not at all disappointing!  I’ve collected some of the best Chinglish from the trip and included them here for your viewing pleasure.  So, which one wins the Award for Best Chinglish?  I’ll let you decide… and remember:  you can click the pictures to open them up actual size.

When I think of the Great Wall of China, I always think of two things:

1.  Civilized Sightseeing

2.  Safe driving

Personally, I prefer my sightseeing to be uncivilized.  And driving unsafely only adds to the thrill if you ask me.

Beijing was fairly void of Chinglish thanks to a major dechinglishization prior to the Olympics.  But we did pass by this:

Glory mall

And all of the straight people reading this have no idea why this is funny, but that’s fine as long as all the gays (and fag hags) have a snicker.

So, Beijing was disappointing, but once we hit Xi’an, the Chinglish came at us from right and left.  Our hotel was a Chinglish gold mine – just one find after another!

Warm notice

The drinking water needs to heat by the cold water then drinks.

What?

Warm notice

“Careful skid prevention” In order to assure your safety, please draw in the bath curtain when you shower and use the skid resistant turban or skid resistant pad, thanks!

So, moral of the story, ask one of your Middle Eastern friends if you can borrow their turban when you shower, but make sure they have one of those fancy skid resistant turbans!  If not, ask your girlfriend if you can borrow her pad.  Again, inquire about its skid resistance.

Warm notice:

In order to raise the elevator operating efficiency, asks you to choose the pressed key reasonably, thanks!

First of all, I always choose the pressed key reasonably.  Second of all, who is asking me?  Third of all, why are all of the notices warm???  Oh yes… warm = warning!

And then, after choosing the pressed key reasonably – very reasonably – you enter the elevator to find pictures of a bunch of Chinese people (as you would in China) with the following caption beneath:

They are the best waiter in the Guanzhong Hotel. Did you see them before? Are you really happy with theirs service? You could recommend the housekeeping whom you satisfied to us. And also you could fill in opinion book with your opinion and the suggestion. So that we could improve unceasingly. Thanks for monitoring.

Firstly, they aren’t waiters – they are housekeeping staff.  Secondly, while their service was fine, I guarantee that I did not satisfy them as your text is suggesting.  And looking at the pictures of those employees, I can guarantee that I never would satisfy them.  Ever.  But I’ll keep “monitoring” just in case you ever hire a hot one.

Next up:  Hangzhou!  And once again our hotel was full of Chinglish!  This hotel was a strange hotel, however, as it did not have any actual hotel rooms or guest rooms.

(SECURITY SCATTERING SKETCH MAP)

DECLARATION

- Please don’t panic if a fire is occurring. The advanced dispersing facilities of the fire control system will help you transfer safely.

- Please follow the green direction route to the safety corridors and there safeguards will take you out to the safety region.  The red solid line is the best circuit.

- The red point shows your excellency seat.

That’s right:  no hotel rooms, no guest rooms, no rooms of any sort really.  Just excellency seats!  I’ve always wanted an excellency seat!  Yippee!  Unfortunately, it does not appear that my excellency seat is in the safety region.  Crap.  Well, at least they have those advanced dispersing facilities…

What the hell was I just talking about?  Anyway.  Moving on.

Dear Guest:

When you ente into the washroom. Please take care of the ground if you have a bath. Please use a shower mats or vobe.

Because the ground is fragile and it really needs you to take care of it.  But if you’re not having a bath, you don’t have to take care of the ground.  In fact, if you’re not bathing, you can tell the ground to go fuck itself and that’d be fine.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to head to Bed Bath & Beyond.  I’m in dire need of a new vobe.  I hope they have some in stock!

Chinese restaurant

Because, you know, in the small canal town of Wuzhen, I was totally expecting to find a Mexican restaurant.  I’m so glad they clarified.

Now, despite being a cosmopolitan city with many expats from the western world, Shanghai had its fair share of Chinglish too – more than you would expect.  And once again, it was our hotel that was the main culprit.

Joy diffuses the magnificent hall and fragrance swims across chrysanthemun hall, where dclicious daintics, tender feeling, drink to your heart’s content and family ger-together are satisfied fully.

I honestly have not a clue.

Luxurious suite: You may enjoy unusual metropolitan feelings of relaxation and sketch utmost sentiment in the comfortable and elegant suite full of tender feelings and equipped well and arranged reasonably.

Meeting room: It is equipped well and provided with complete functions, where information or messages may be sent or received freely and conveniently, and unlimited business opportunities are revenled to the tullest.

Deluxe double room: You may nourish your spirit and store up vigor for getaway in the next day or several friends have a chat and chat and enjoy romantic fancy by the light of a candle in simple & bright, silent & fragrant room.

Now, I’m usually a sucker for unusual metropolitan feelings and you know that I love a hotel room full of tender feelings – especially if that room is arranged reasonably – but I may have to go with the deluxe double room this time around.  The romantic fancy is just too good to pass up!

And after that romantic fancy, if you have any… remnants… to dispose of, well, I know just where you can stick them:

LITTER CUM RECYCLABLE COLLECTION BIN

Two quick questions:  why do you consider it litter and why on earth are you collecting it for recycling???

(Ok, yes.  I understand what this actually means.  But they really ought to have someone less than 35 years of age checking these things.  Do you not understand why this is funny?  If you don't get it, that means you’re likely over 35… or just a very sheltered person… or far more mature than me…)

So, back to my original question:  which one wins the Award for Best Chinglish?  Personally, I think the one with the romantic fancy was the funniest, but you’re entitled to your own opinion even if it’s wrong…  Feel free to comment.  Or not.  There’s isn’t actually an award.  It’s figurative.

Venice of the East

Just over an hour outside of Hangzhou, we stopped at the small town of Wuzhen.  The town is called a water town or a canal town and is occasionally referred to as the “Venice of the East” because of its canals and gondolas.

So yes, it’s just like Venice, except it’s smaller and polluted and Chinese.  But close enough.  The town is pretty much a tourist trap, though I must admit that souvenirs were cheap there.  The town is gated off like an amusement park.  You have to buy a ticket and go through a turnstile before you can enter.  Keep in mind people actually live in this town.  I suppose it’s a pretty clever way to boost the local economy – everybody who doesn’t live there has to pay to be there.  Nuts!  Imagine Sydney or London or New York charging an admission fee.  That might be a good way to get the US back on track!

Anyway, once you get past the strange touristy nature of it all, the town was quite scenic:

Aside from the canals, the town had some small back alleyways that needed exploring.  I wandered around with Joel and Lauren.

And there were a few treats as well.  The town is known for a few things such as teapots:

You can stand on these teapots and they won’t break.  Crazy!  And if you’re buying a teapot, you might as well buy some tea to go with it:

Notice the wooden cylinders at the bottom middle of the picture.  Those are filled with rice wine – another specialty of the little town.

I bought two different flavours.  The apricot rice wine was ok, but the three rice wine tasted like ass.  Unfortunate.

Did I mention there were cookies???  I love cookies!!!  All of these little plastic wrapped rolls contained a row of cookies:

Actually, they called them pancakes, but that’s wrong and I didn’t have the heart to correct them.  They were cookies.

I rest my case.

And of course, every small town has a small town lunch.  And I just have to say one thing about that…

Dear Susan,

You may be lazy, but we love you nonetheless.

Most sincerely,

Phill and friends